How to Be an Online Crackpot, Advanced Techniques

How to Be an Online Crackpot, Advanced Techniques

by Susan Basko, esq

See also:  How to Be an Online Crackpot, for basic techniques

You wish to be an online crackpot.  This is a noble goal. Hopefully, you have studied the basic lessons, which gave numbers 1-5 in the fundamental techniques. 

In this lesson, we move on to the advanced techniques, numbers 6-10.  You must master these to be a high level crackpot.

6. Sit in your car and make rant videos.  Inside your car is the perfect place to face the camera (your phone) and rant loudly about how the world is mistreating you.  You can also rant about your plans to get back at the world.  Good topics include:  Why you are an incel -- because women or men all suck and are too self-centered to admit how fabulous you are.  What your current fad diet is and a long list of things you do not eat (grains, fats, carbs, meat) and a list of substances you think are like magic (steroids, soy, magnesium, tootsie rolls, etc).  Whatever topic you pick is just fine, as long as you rant and fume about it and go on and on.

7. Run radio shows about nothing, as long as it's insulting.  A few years back, one well-known internet crackpot held online radio shows about me, every single week, sometimes twice a week.  He never spoke to me, knew nothing about me, and never invited me on the show as a guest.  Rather, he and his group of screeching weirdos gathered in his "green room," where they posted derogatory comments and insults.  He spent his two radio hours, week after week, lying about me and insulting me, a person about whom he knew nothing.  That man earned his wings as a total crackpot.  Recently, I heard an internet radio show run by a woman who spent her radio hour lamenting that she is no longer allowed by social media companies to call people "retard."  She went on a roll about how life is so boring and unfulfilling and unfair now that she can no longer call people retard.  She, too, earned her merit badge as a complete crackpot.

8. Write a manifesto.  Your manifesto should be between 3 pages and 40 pages long.  The sections should have headings.  You need to add quotes from infamous writers.  You should diss a wide number of racial or ethnic or social groups, and throw in a bit of misogyny, too.  You have to blame them for things and their opposites, at the same time  -- such as being lazy and taking all the jobs, not dating you and being sluts, being genetically stupid and taking up all the places in the elite colleges, being social justice warriors and not caring about anyone but themselves, etc.  Anything and its opposite.  Your conclusion should be that they all need to die, with the implication that you or your friends plan to help them along with this goal.  Then, post the manifesto somewhere it won't be removed too quickly, and post links to it all over the place. That brings you a full step closer to being a total crackpot. 

9. Run an army of sock puppets.  This works well on Twitter.  Have at least 8 accounts that you control.  When you post something, have them all post comments agreeing with you.  When you don't like what someone else wrote, have your little army post calling them names and detailing how horrible they are.  Persona management software works well for this purpose, but if you have to do it manually, you can wing it.  

10. Join an online group of trolls.  Nothing says "crackpot," like belonging to an online group that meets up in chat rooms or on IRC to discuss who they are going to hack or who is an idiot. There's nothing like being a grown adult and belonging to a group of online misfits and malcontents with an acronym name to show you are a crackpot.  If your group meets up at hacker conventions, even better. You and all your crackpot friends can meet up and have fun.